A Letter from Keri

Mom,

I miss you so much and especially tonight I wish you were here. I envy my friends who have their mom to go shopping with, to confide in and ask for advice from, take vacations with, and bring the grandkids over to visit. It’s so weird, sometimes I’m in the grocery store and I wonder if you ever used a debit card. As I sit here blogging, I wonder if you know what the internet is. I’m 33 years old and sometimes I feel so lost. It’s just not fair.

We’re alike in so many ways. I love my kids so much, just like you. My family means everything to me, just like you. I’m trying to be an awesome Mom and teach my children right from wrong, just like you. Sometimes I hear words coming out of my mouth and it sounds just like you. I wish I could tell you thank you.

Yet, I’m different too. You had perfectly manicured nails, I cut mine so short. Your house was always clean, why can’t I get rid of rings in my toilet? Some times my kids just seem to take me for granted, did we make you feel that way too? There are so many things I wish I could tell you.

The day before you died and I stood beside your bed and cried. You asked me what was wrong. I told you that all I wanted was for you to come back home. I lied, because I knew you wouldn’t be coming home. I didn’t know what to say. I wanted to tell you that I loved you and tell that I couldn’t live without you. I wish that I’d told you that I loved you just one more time. You smiled at me and told me you would be coming home. You were so brave. Did you know? I’ve never told anyone this before now.

For so many years I was so angry. Angry at everyone and everything. I was so mad at God because he took you away. I just didn’t understand why he could take something so good away from me. I remember asking him why? Why, when there is so many bad moms out there did he have to take away a good one? It took me over ten years to forgive Him, I get my stubbornness from you too. When, I finally said that it was okay and finally let it go and forgave, it was okay. I knew I wasn’t letting you down. I sit here today and wish it wouldn't have taken me so long.

You’ve taught me more than you’ll ever know, in your life and death. You taught me to be strong. You taught me to forgive. You taught me to be honest. You taught me the importance of family. You taught me to not put things off until tomorrow, because tomorrow may never come. You taught me that its okay to sometimes put myself first. You taught me that it’s okay to be me.

I can still remember so many talks we had. I remember you telling me that as long as I told the truth, the consequences would never be as bad as if I hadn’t. I sit here now and think of all the things that I told you. Secrets that no one else will ever know. You weren’t only my Mom, but also my friend.

For instance, I remember when I didn’t want to go back to college. Dad didn’t talk to me for two weeks. I sat on the edge of the couch where you were laying and I told you how I felt. I was so worried that I would be letting him down if I didn't have some awesome career and make tons of money. You told me, “Not everyone has to put career first. That's okay. Someone’s got to be a Mom. Someone has to take care of the kids. There's nothing more important than that." You told me to do what made me happy. I am.

You were an awesome Mom. Just look at how your kids turned out. I know you’re proud. Your children are some of the few in this world that get to say that they had a good childhood. I have good memories. Sometimes I wish I could be a child again. Not many people can say that.

If I had to do it all over again, knowing that I’d lose you, I would. My life and all the experiences in it has made me who I am. I’m proud of that. I love you, Mom!

Keri